‘Drop the performative behaviour’: Singaporean woman urges men to stop pretending and show their true selves on dates
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SINGAPORE: Finding a partner these days feels like trying to win a marathon with one leg tied up. Between dating apps, ghosting, and wildly mismatched expectations, it is already a mess. But some men are apparently making it worse by putting on a show instead of just being real, and according to one local woman, it is exhausting to watch.
In a post on r/sgdatingscene, she explained that rather than being honest about their true interests, habits, or quirks, many guys (including her own friends) adopt a carefully rehearsed persona on dates.
She noted that these men copy other guys’ success stories, wear the trendiest outfits, sip matcha like it is a personality trait, and spend hours at cat cafés, all in the hope that their date will be instantly smitten.
She added that the problem goes beyond just hobbies and outfits. Even in conversations, these men often repeat advice they have heard without actually understanding it.
“They take advice from female friends but never truly understand. They just copy and paste, but it’s not authentic. It’s plastic and fake. For example, most guys will give advice on how to answer a female’s question, etc, but they don’t understand how to answer. Or why females ask the questions they do,” the woman wrote.
“When a female asks, ‘Will you pick me if I’m a caterpillar?’ it’s very obvious that she is seeking attention and also affirmation of your love. Then they proceed to answer logically about how they can’t because it’s a caterpillar, and it’s really ‘shaking my head.’”
She then urged these men to just “focus and improve” their own individual traits rather than copying others.
“Get emotionally intelligent and mature, choose the fashion sense that makes you feel confident, and do the activities that truly make you passionate. Don’t take bad advice from guys about ‘get rich, be fit, have a car,’” she said.
“One day, all of that will fade as you grow old and die, but your spirit remains. Women look past the physical and notice your traits and your character. Your will and conscious decisions matter. Drop the performative behaviour.”
“At the end of the day, it really isn’t that deep.”
In the comments section, many users pushed back against the woman’s claims, arguing that she might have been reading too much into the men’s behaviour. Rather than “putting on an act,” some felt the men she described could simply have been nervous, socially awkward, or just making an effort to leave a good impression on a date.
Others suggested that her examples, such as sipping matcha or spending time at cat cafés, were hardly proof of inauthenticity and could just be harmless personal choices or genuine interests.
“Can’t guys like cats… I want to be in a cat cafe playing with cats unjudged,” one user wrote.
“You might as well say that everyone who wants to become rich and successful is performative too, yeah?” another commented.
“Wtf does matcha have to do with being performative?” a third asked.
“What’s the point of this post, though? Like, are you advising the males that do this? Or are you just complaining because the sight of these men disturbs you? At the end of the day, it really isn’t that deep. I feel that if they want to be like that, then so be it; as long as it doesn’t harm anyone, then whatever, lah,” a fourth added.
Still, despite the mostly critical responses, a small group of users sided with the woman, saying men should just be themselves when dating.
“Take a good look at yourself, figure out what you’re lacking, and make an effort to improve so you can be a better person,” one user advised. “Be genuine in your actions instead of copying others just for the sake of it.”
In other news, an employer shared on social media that her domestic helper had been dishonest with her on several occasions.
In a post on the Direct Hire Transfer Singapore Maid / Domestic Helper Facebook group, the employer claimed that her helper lied to her about using her daughter’s “makeup and hair creams, etc.,” whenever they were out of the house. She also alleged that the helper had been secretly switching on the air-conditioning in their absence.