Woman engaged for three years admits she may be ‘just settling’ with her fiancé, says she’s unsure about BTO-ing
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SINGAPORE: A woman who has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for five years and engaged to him for nearly three years confessed that she is beginning to wonder if she is genuinely building a future with him or merely “settling”.
In a candid forum post on the r/sgdatingscene subreddit, she opened up about her growing doubts, writing, “Honestly, I keep asking myself… Am I settling with him? My friends keep telling me he’s a red flag because of his bare minimum and bochap attitude. To be honest, I also see it. He had some messy relationships before me, so maybe that’s why now he doesn’t put in 100% anymore.
“Sometimes he can be semi-narcissistic also with his own unique way of seeing things, but when we quarrel, somehow he always manages to turn it back on me. Even when he’s at fault, I’ll end up feeling like I’m the one wrong.”
The woman shared that their relationship has also lost much of the excitement it once had. Proper dates have become almost non-existent, replaced by last-minute dinners, casual grocery runs or nightly phone calls. Their conversations, too, she said, have become increasingly “surface-level”, limited to daily check-ins about meals or work.
“I don’t even feel like suggesting things to do together anymore, because honestly… if he wanted to, he would. At the same time, I know I’m also guilty of not listening enough to what he wants.”
Family matters have added another layer of strain. She recalled that during visits to his family, her fiancé would withdraw and isolate himself, leaving her feeling unwelcome and out of place. By contrast, her own family had warmly embraced him, making the difference even more apparent.
Future plans, she revealed, remain an uncomfortable subject between them. Wedding discussions have yet to happen, as she fears bringing up the topic would spark conflict about finances. Even the prospect of applying for a BTO flat, typically a milestone for Singaporean couples, fills her with dread.
“It scares me,” she admitted. “If I BTO with him, that means I am committing to live with his current attitude for life. Recently, I have just felt myself drifting further. I stopped expressing how I feel. Conversations are small talk only. Sometimes when we don’t talk, it doesn’t even feel like I’m missing out.”
Although she admitted she still loves her fiancé, she ended her post by questioning whether the relationship was worth holding on to or if it was time to walk away.
“Communication is key. Tell him how you feel and what you expect of him.”
In the discussion thread, many Singaporean Redditors pointed out that if she was already feeling nervous, uneasy, and even downright terrified at the idea of applying for a BTO with her fiancé, then that in itself was already a huge warning sign.
Some said that BTO is supposed to be an exciting milestone for couples, something you look forward to because it symbolises building a home and future together. But the fact that just thinking about it filled her with dread, stress, and hesitation showed that things were clearly not right in the relationship.
“Sis, if you feel like the BTO is more like impending doom, it probably is!! That’s how I got the courage to break up my 6.5-year-long relationship,” one commented. “Just imagine, if you had a child, do you want them to be like him? If you had a daughter, would you allow her to date a man like him? Save yourself and treat yourself better!!”
“Just break things off. Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. Divorce is also a messy affair. So just don’t. It’s going to hurt for a while, but it is better to hurt for a few months or a few years than for your whole life,” another wrote.
“Consider carefully for the sake of your sanity and well-being! Marriage will not change things! Just let it go and cut your emotional losses, and shorten your pain. Time is not your friend after so long,” a third added.
A few others, however, felt that it might be too soon to walk away entirely. They suggested that she should first make the effort to sit down with her fiancé, lay her concerns on the table, and see if he was willing to work through the issues together before completely letting go of the relationship.
“Communication is key. Tell him how you feel and what you expect of him. If there’s something you want to do together, just suggest it to him instead of dropping clues and hoping he gets it,” one said. “Just talk to him. If he’s willing to change for you, then good. If not, find another guy who will love you as much as you love him.”
In other news, a local took to social media to vent about how difficult it has become to stretch his paycheck in Singapore, saying that no matter how hard he works, his income never seems to keep up with the rising cost of living.
In a post on the r/SGMoney Reddit forum, he shared that almost every aspect of daily life feels “more expensive” now, from groceries and transport fares to rent and even casual meals at hawker centres.
“Some months, I feel like my paycheck vanishes before I even realise it,” he wrote on Aug 21.